Children Children Children

Let's start from the beginning, I never wanted to have children, ever. I wanted to raise children, but my plan has absolutely always been to adopt. I'm not good at girly things, at all, I don't even do my own hair and I wouldn't begin to know how to do a little girl's hair. I rarely wear jewelry, do my hair, nail or make up & I wouldn't have any idea how to teach a little girl any of these things like I feel a mother should. That's part of why the plan has always been to adopt a boy. Ideally around the age of two, young enough to begin manners, respect, etc & old enough to be out of the baby stage. Babies effing weird me out. Seriously. They're fragile, they cry & I don't have a damn clue what they want, and they're weird looking. Sorry to mothers very where but I probably think your kid looked like a weird mucus-y alien when it was born & pregnant bellys weird me the fuck out too. That end of it is just not for me. Yes I know there's an irreplaceable bond between mother & child that I'll never experience & much like my opinion on orgasms, if I never experience it I will never really know what I'm missing & it's not that big of a deal. 

   Here's the reality of my situation. I'm 21  which is a little younger than "kids" was penciled in to my life plan & rather than my sweet little two year old, I have TWO boys & I'm not a mom at all, but a bonus mom. I love them just the same. Those boys are the center of everything I do. As far as getting a fresh little mind to teach excellent behavior, outstanding values and genuine kindness to, I didn't get that. Instead I've got 2 entirely spoiled children who thought the world was absolutely ending when I started implementing rules into their lives and actually expecting them to follow them. I've got an 8 year old with a mean streak a mile wide who is hateful as hell when he is made to mind & a 4 year old who screams his head off in an attempt to get his way or when his feelings get hurt, or when he has trouble dressing himself; basically for any reason ever. 

    Let's go back to the beginning with them now, before me they had no structure at home. For the last several years the boys' mother has battled different legal issues as well as an addiction to prescription pain pills, which she is still battling as far as we know. My boyfriend has several health issues & was prescribed medication that she has come into our home & stolen several times just within the last 6 months or so. When she had nowhere else to go in recent years, staying with my boyfriend was always her last resort & he allowed it so his children's mother wouldn't end up homeless & have that affect on the kids. She doesn't see them now, at all, due to her legal/drug issues but when she had in the past there was absolutely no discipline. No consequences for their actions. They kids would hit, kick, scream & she would end up calling us asking how to make it stop. Their Grandpa lives next door. His belief is "I'm their Grandpa, it's not my job to discipline them." Even though he sees them daily. So discipline, rules, genuine respect and manners are all a daily struggle. We've come a long way in a lot of areas but there's so much left to work on! 

    My plan has deviated a bit but I wouldn't have it any other way. I have changed a lot in the way I would like to parent though. I find myself raising my voice & I hate it. I find myself losing my patience & I can't stand it. I'm one of the most patient people you will ever meet & I need to find that again. I'd like to the the mother with child in the supermarket who simply says "put that back please" and it's easy as that. I don't like to raise my voice & I don't feel I should have to. So today I start on my journey to being the parent I should be; the parent I wish I'd had. Loving, patient, stern, helpful with some sugar & spice & everything nice. Just for good measure. 

iPhones are the shizz, until you rely on them for errythang!!

Basically, running a blog from an iPhone is a real pain in my ass. Or thumbs rather. But seriously. I've got this little tiny screen, which normally is plenty big & wonderful & I love my phone, but to type everything in this brain of mine.. Well, it stinks. To put it nicely. Extremely nicely. Like a level a thousand on the gritting my teeth to use nice words kind of nicely scale. Yeah, I have one of those. You should get one. It's pretty much useless though. Because once you see how hard you're really trying to say nice things, you gotta let out a "what the fuck" an then the scale drops. Yea, useless. Anyway! Life without Internet is for the bees! (I actually have no idea if I'm using that expression right. So to clarify, life without Internet SUCKS.) Times are uhm rough right about now so Internet isn't a top priority. But damn it I miss it! I would love to post a blog a day. Because believe me, enough goes on here that should be documented, laughed about, awwwed about & so forth. But sadly, typing it up on my phone just isn't an option with two mini-heathens AND a full grown heathen AND a four-legged heathen needing me at every moment. Yea, they totally need me. Hehe. So the internets and I, well our friendship ain't so strong at the moment. But when we reunite y'all better watch out!! Seriously, it's gonna be intense. Muahahaha.

Mother fudging goshdang shoot!

Yesterday the Fella & I were rough housing with the kiddos & he fudged up calling The Young One a pussy rather than wussy or baby or whatever ya know. All in good fun, teasing & provoking the chaos and all. Immediately I was pissed & had a WTeffingF look on my face and then the Young'n repeats it!!! Ahhhh!
We spank. Not often but certain things warrant a spanking & the rules are very clear on this. They say certain words & it's a spanking & apology. So I told this kid next time his dad misspoke, he got to spank him. Which turned into both kids spanking the Fella. Which wasn't but a few minutes later, due to the afore mentioned chaos & rough housing. Kids don't hold back!
My point here IS I can't even song along to my favie songs these days due to the language. Well I mean, I'm the grown up, I can do and say what I please but I'm more of a... I expect something from them so I try to give them the same respect. Key word being "try." These kids do not talk about their nuts anymore, or balls, or complain that something sucks. They say please and thank you. They don't talk about farts at dinner. Nor do they fart at dinner, usually. They say toot rather than fart. All of this means one thing to me: I can no longer say all the potty words I so ridiculously love! And dammit it sucks!!!! Sometimes shit sucks & bygolly I wanna say it sucks! But here I am trying to lead by example. Sigh. Parenting is hard. Well, mostly just the no potty word stuff. The other stuff I've totally got in the bag. But dammit I miss the fuck word.

Monkeys don't even live inside. Seriously.

     Maybe it's just me but I have a serious issue with this "monkeys jumping on the bed" story. For starters, there are 5 kids sleeping in 1 damn bed. Who the hell does that? I mean, it looks like a big bed & all from the pictures but uhm no. PLUS 2 of the children are girls. 5 kids in 1 bed & there is girls & boys both up in that B!! No way Jose. Not happening. Next concern, there are 5 kids jumping on that B, of course somebody is going to fall off & bump something!! But why the heck did Momma Monkey not make it a point to punish the first kid so the others knew better as well?! I'm tellin ya if I had 5 kids & I had to call the doc over their shanignans the other 4 kids dang sure wouldn't try those particular shenanigans again. Oh & where do the kids keep disappearing to after their head has been bumped? Why weren't they sleeping there in the first place?!
     Nextly, this mom lets all 5 of her obviously concussed children go right to sleep after the whole ordeal. Is she tryna cut down on the population here or what? Yikes. THEN she goes & jumps on her own bed. But I guess since she might've just killed off her 5 kids she can do what she likes with all that newfound free time & lack of responsibility. Gee whiz.

Ramblings of Cake, Moms & Hearts

Slight disclaimer: I'm typing from my iPhone so this might get a bit rant-y & runn-on-y due to the fact that its extremely hard to edit.

The Fella & I hosted a birthday party today. We will start at the beginning. The Elder Child turned 8 yesterday & we held his sleepover party today. The Young Child headed the Decorating Committee. Which employed, uhm, me. Ya know, having a 4 year old for a boss kind of makes you reconsider your career choices. He's a swell guy & all but he sure is hard to work for! And the pay is.. Well, I do get paid in experience. Anyhow. We decorated for hours. The Young Child then asked his dad "Do you like my decorations?" And proceeded to tell him "Dani helped me with some." Yes, I even got credit for my work!! Whoo! Post-decoration I finally got to shower up which was AMAZING. I love my showers. It's relaxing. It's 20 minutes of ME time. Where I can actually hear myself think. Anyhow. The Eldest Child was home from school when I got out & he was excited.
     We sent out 4 invites to kids at school, The Fella invited the neighbor boys, my nieces were a fersure & the boys' mom got an invite via Facebook around 1pm. We ended up with 5 kiddos. Our two (his two, technically), my nieces & one boy from school. S'mores, cake, gifts, ice cream... The boys' Grandpa (who lives next door) has a boat partially buried in his yard that the kiddos play in the cab of. Uhm. Is it a cab on a boat? Or a cabin? I dunno. The damn inside part. Point is, all the kids played on/ in that for a while. The fire was short lived for some reason. There was a lot of hype about some dollar ninety-seven army guys with parachutes that turned out to be a bust. The cake was bomb & ice cream was a hit. Go figure.
     Bed time rolled around. Didn't know how that was gonna go. One of the girls ended up going home. Due to her being stubborn as a mule & her parents living conveniently close. So her sister got a bedroom & bed all to herself with three boys farting/giggling in the next bedroom over. Oh & everyone is still awake at 11:05 btw. Maybe they'll sleep late? Maybe. Please..
     I texted my momma about this whole shindig. Saying something along the lines of "8 year old bday parties are crazy" & she texted back to tell me I'm a good mom. She said I am a good mom. Do you know how good it feels to hear something like that from your mother?! Do you know that I'm not even a mom. I'm 20 years old. I didn't birth an 8 year old. His mother who was invited to his birthday party today, the one that I hosted, she didn't call yesterday on his birthday either. My mom didn't tell me I'm a good stepmother. Or say I WOULD be a good mom. She said I am. And that means the world to me. Everything I do is for these boys. They come first, always. I made 8 freakin number 8s to go on the walls today. Because I wanted to decorate the hell out of this house for The Elder's first sleep over/first bday with me & we were on a budget. So there are 8s the size of two pieces of construction paper each ALL over the living & dining rooms. Oh & with the help of a 4 year old. Who used to pitch a HUGE fit about cleaning his room but did so completely willingly & thoroughly today.
     I may be young & unsure about a lot of things but I know love & I know these boys have structure in their lives due in majority to me. At the end of the day there are a lot of things I wish I could change but more importantly at the end of the day I know I will read a story, gets two sets of hugs & iloveyous (3 sets if you count The Fella), & that's makes my heart happy.

Faaammiillyyy Tiiiime!!

Last week was hectic. And stressful. Ya know how you absolutely love your family to pieces but spending more than a day together makes you have thoughts about if you were all stranded on a deserted island, who would you kill first & how you could use their bones for weapons & think "Gee, at least they finally did something useful other than getting the eff under YOUR skin!"? Yeah.. I spent a week at my mother's house this past week. There was a gap between the last day of my last job & my start date so I really didn't have anything else to do.
   September 29th was the Chris Auperly benefit Rodeo, my first ever rodeo. Which I actually saw about 15 minutes of because we were so gosh darn busy in the concession stand from 4-11:30. Everything donated, everything ran out. 149lbs of donated meat, 6 coolers of soda & water, at least 100 hotdogs, etc. It was an awesome experience. Anyhow. The day after, Sunday, I decided to just head to my mother's instead of back home which I'm actually super glad I did.
   Let me just say here, when I was 9 years old my parents got divorced & I basically became Mommy & Daddy to my 6 year old little brother. Laundry, dinner, waking him for school, paying for lunches (through high school. He still doesn't know that every time I told him "Yeah, mom gave me a check for your lunch, I'll go up to the school before work." meant that I was paying for his gosh darn lunches again.), basically everything other than putting a roof over his head/discipline. He's 17 now. He's a senior in high school. Before last week he had his learner's permit & no vehicle. The only car that's legal for him to take his test in is mine & I don't live there anymore, nor can I take him due to the fact that I am not a guardian. We tried a couple different times. No exceptions. Sunday my Dad sent me a text saying he had won at the casino & to find my brother a car for less than 3 grand. I know how that goes so I was ON IT!! Had to find this boy a car STAT! 3 days later after looking through hundreds of listings, talking to a bunch of Craigslist weirdos, meeting with a couple of them, I found the kid a car. A nice one. Nicer and newer than mine actually. He even has a clicker on his keyring. My one frikkin 'this is how i know im successful' goal in life is to have a car with a clicker!! Friday he & my mom took my car & did his driving test. So...for the last 6 months he has been able to do this. I'm there for a week and ALL of it gets done. Did I tell you guys I have a 17 year old child?! I also cancelled every plan I had made in my home town to meet with people about cars all week. I did not see a single friend. Which was the whole homesicky vibey reason for spending the week anyhow. Oh well.
    THAT weekend my bro, aunt & I went to Kansas City, Missouri to kick it with my cousin who is also ways away from family and his comfort zone. I grew up pretty closely with my cousins so they're basically big brothers. Another reason for me being a boy child. JEP is 26 I want to say & he's my favorite family member to be quite honest, his babeh is a little over 1 now. His brother Crocket is 29 and has been over to Cuwait and back now. Well, I have purple hair. Crocket thought it was lame. I got beat up all weekend, like usual. Bruises and all. Gotta love family time!! See what I mean about being the boy child? Got punched on Saturday & still have bruises Wednesday. I sure did miss those fellas!
   Anyhow. It's been a fun-filled, family-filled past week or so for me, I started a new job Monday & I couldn't be happier! Busy busy. Need to keep up with my posts better! Yikes. Uhm. Toodles?!

Nerves.

Oh life, you sure do think you're funny, don't you?! Well I don't. I find you to be kind of a hateful bitch about 87% of the time. Why can't we just be friends? I'm a good friend, I promise. You just have to be nicer to me!
     I'm fixin' to go take a drug screen for a new, better-paying job (yippee!) and I'm nervous. Not because I think I won't pass. I don't do drugs so that's not a problem. But because of my last drug screen experience.
   I thought it would be a quick five minutes tops, go in take a whiz, be done kind of thing so I carpooled with some others who were running errands in Tulsa as well. We went to the clinic place first since it was South and everything else was North. Ya know how whenever you go to do one of those things you always drink a bottle of water on the way so you'll be good and ready to go when you get there? Yeah, I got distracted and forgot to do that. We got there and I didn't have to go, even a little bit. I peed before we left the house because I'm a giant dummy. So I chugged a Coca Cola. Worst soda ever. Gross. Instant tummy ache. I go in & try but still can't whiz. Drink some water, wait a while & try again. This time I did it! It was all full & I was all empty and it was a magical drug screen pee moment wheeennn guess what...I caught the jar on my shorts pulling it out from under me & spilled about half of it. I was empty. There was NO more about to come out... I then had to explain this to the people testing this sample... and the people I had carpooled with... I sent them on their way to come back for me later actually. I was so embarrassed. I drank enough water to keep a camel hydrated for a freakin' summer & stepped back into this bathroom I now considered hell and guess what! I fucking did it AGAIN! I spilled the whole damn cup! All of it! The cup literally flew out of my hand. I even got pee on my shorts. Sooooo about an hour later I tried again and didn't fuck it up this time. I actually got a high five from one of the guys who worked there. "Third time's a charm!" he said. Then I walked to a gas station half a mile away with my pee-shorts and I lost my sunglasses.
    Today has to go better than that.