Children Children Children

Let's start from the beginning, I never wanted to have children, ever. I wanted to raise children, but my plan has absolutely always been to adopt. I'm not good at girly things, at all, I don't even do my own hair and I wouldn't begin to know how to do a little girl's hair. I rarely wear jewelry, do my hair, nail or make up & I wouldn't have any idea how to teach a little girl any of these things like I feel a mother should. That's part of why the plan has always been to adopt a boy. Ideally around the age of two, young enough to begin manners, respect, etc & old enough to be out of the baby stage. Babies effing weird me out. Seriously. They're fragile, they cry & I don't have a damn clue what they want, and they're weird looking. Sorry to mothers very where but I probably think your kid looked like a weird mucus-y alien when it was born & pregnant bellys weird me the fuck out too. That end of it is just not for me. Yes I know there's an irreplaceable bond between mother & child that I'll never experience & much like my opinion on orgasms, if I never experience it I will never really know what I'm missing & it's not that big of a deal. 

   Here's the reality of my situation. I'm 21  which is a little younger than "kids" was penciled in to my life plan & rather than my sweet little two year old, I have TWO boys & I'm not a mom at all, but a bonus mom. I love them just the same. Those boys are the center of everything I do. As far as getting a fresh little mind to teach excellent behavior, outstanding values and genuine kindness to, I didn't get that. Instead I've got 2 entirely spoiled children who thought the world was absolutely ending when I started implementing rules into their lives and actually expecting them to follow them. I've got an 8 year old with a mean streak a mile wide who is hateful as hell when he is made to mind & a 4 year old who screams his head off in an attempt to get his way or when his feelings get hurt, or when he has trouble dressing himself; basically for any reason ever. 

    Let's go back to the beginning with them now, before me they had no structure at home. For the last several years the boys' mother has battled different legal issues as well as an addiction to prescription pain pills, which she is still battling as far as we know. My boyfriend has several health issues & was prescribed medication that she has come into our home & stolen several times just within the last 6 months or so. When she had nowhere else to go in recent years, staying with my boyfriend was always her last resort & he allowed it so his children's mother wouldn't end up homeless & have that affect on the kids. She doesn't see them now, at all, due to her legal/drug issues but when she had in the past there was absolutely no discipline. No consequences for their actions. They kids would hit, kick, scream & she would end up calling us asking how to make it stop. Their Grandpa lives next door. His belief is "I'm their Grandpa, it's not my job to discipline them." Even though he sees them daily. So discipline, rules, genuine respect and manners are all a daily struggle. We've come a long way in a lot of areas but there's so much left to work on! 

    My plan has deviated a bit but I wouldn't have it any other way. I have changed a lot in the way I would like to parent though. I find myself raising my voice & I hate it. I find myself losing my patience & I can't stand it. I'm one of the most patient people you will ever meet & I need to find that again. I'd like to the the mother with child in the supermarket who simply says "put that back please" and it's easy as that. I don't like to raise my voice & I don't feel I should have to. So today I start on my journey to being the parent I should be; the parent I wish I'd had. Loving, patient, stern, helpful with some sugar & spice & everything nice. Just for good measure.