Fairy Tale Anyone?

Daisies & Marigolds    

   Once upon a time there was a young boy with a pet dragon who he loved very much. This kid was super rad, the very definition of tall dark and handsome, with airbrushed on, this-is-sparta type super chiseled abs and dark eyes a girl could get lost in for days. Oh and he also had a nice personality and was super gentlemanly and funny & stuff. 

     In a far away land there was a girl with a pet dinosaur who happened to be a bad ass. The dinosaur, not the girl. The girl was pretty rad too though, with her big bust and super duper sandwich making abilities. These youngins knew nothing of each other for many many years though they both stared up at the night sky after each day of their similarly awesome lives, feeling that there was something else out there. See, he was a Prince and she was a Princess & both had been born into kingdoms at war with these evil creatures that constantly sang the songs you hate most. For each warrior it was different. For the boy, Prince SuperStudlyDreamBoyPrinceGuy, it was the song of the Bieber. For Princess Lovely AwesomeSuperGreatCatchGirl it was the Pon-tune, such an evil sound. 

     Many years into their lives, we'll say like 25, always having been in battle, they had both taken these battles to the source, the home of these horrible sing-song creatures. Many great warriors were lost along the way but when they reached the home of these RihannaGagas, (their technical name), the boy and girl met finally and very unexpectedly. See, neither had known of any other kingdoms left, nobody had. They were strangely drawn to each other, probably because they were both stunningly gorgeous & skilled in seven different types of Badassery. The boy climbed atop his dragon and the girl atop her dinosaur, they banded together and with their two kingdoms united sang a song they knew the rihannagags could not beat. The single greatest song known to any man in any kingdom: Don't Stop Believin'. They sucked all the horrid energy from the RihannaGagas, they way they had done to their soldiers, and conquered them and their land once and for all. Whilst in battle flashmob style Prince RyanStamosStudlyMofo and Princess SweetSexyAwesomeSauceness neglected to realize his dragon, Daisy, and her dinosar, Marigold, (Yeah, it's a weird name for a boy but the boy is also a dinosaur, you're going to get picky now?!), had joined tails and mated for all eternity AvatardSoulMate style, which is totally weird because there was people on their backs but hey, Journey has that kind of power over people. Yes dragons and dinosaurs are people too, Journeys love powers don't judge. So naturally the Prince and Princess couldn't separate the two, the bond was unbreakable. The Prince and Princess decided to stay and rule the RihannaGagas newly destroyed kingdom and sent most of their original warriors home to report this news to their parents and former kingdoms.

    They were now King and Queen of their very own kingdom and fell in love very quickly. They listened to lots of Journey and lived happily ever after.

The End.

Know What Really Grinds My Gears?!

Dogs that beg. Really. Fawking. Pisses. Me. Off.
Scenerio: You're over at a family members house, they've spend hours preparing a nice meal that has been planned for weeks. Ya know, the kind of thing your parents maaade you go to as a kid. Everyone sits down to eat, at the table, all awkwardly and whatnot because it's family and nobody really likes each other anyway and, well, you know how it goes. So to add to this already super duper situation, you're sitting there and this huge dog...Don't get me wrong, I love dogs. The bigger, the better...anyway, huge dog comes up and sticks it's nose practically  in your plate. Now, I expect cats to have personal space issues but even they know better than to get on the table when the table is surrounded by people, and if they don't then the owner is at fault and possibly a complete idiot. So this dog has it's face in your face while you're trying to eat, of course it doesn't listen to you... So whoever's house this is, perhaps Uncle Fred & Aunt Edna, they're constantly yelling at their dogs to leave you the hell alone & let you eat. Meanwhile across the table Cousin Eddie is feeding the fucking mutts under the table, which Fred & Edna encourage. Uhm...Why do you think they fucking beg while you're eating?! 
    After you all make it through dinner and are already super pissed off...the leftovers are not divided up & offered but fed to the dogs, in the dining room, where you all just finished eating, straight from the table to the floor. Soooo...The dogs just got rewarded with the food that they wanted from the very beginning. It's not their fault they beg. This is the part where I have to step outside to smoke a cigarette, (even though I'm not a smoker & everyone knows this), or for fresh air, or something...to keep from open-handed-slapping Aunt Edna straight across the face or even grabbing the dish the meat was served on & literally just hitting Uncle Fred upside the head with it!!

*Point number 2, which is basically the same damn thing....
   As if Edna & Fred aren't pissing me off enough already... They're grandbaby is coming over later. So Uncle Fred baby-proofs the house. I don't mean baby gates and whatnot, I mean the kid is a year old and likes to get into stuff which apparently means removing all the decorative stuff from the coffee tables & everything within reach every time the kid is over. Which is a few hours each day. 
   I don't have kids or anything so maybe I'm wrong here but if the kid is old enough to be curious...maybe you should begin teaching him the things he can and can't play with. Such as...Hey kid, don't bang shit on the coffee table! Coasters are not for you! Putting candles in your mouth is yucky!
What the fuck does moving it every time do?! Geez. Oh, the kid has been taught to share his food with the dogs though!!

My dear mother tells me she feels sorry for my kids, when I do have them. Maybe my ideas are a bit strict but never will I see my dogs knock over my baby because they're used to food being shared with them. I do not plan to move something two or three times a day so my children don't get into it, they will know better. There are things they can play with & things they can't. So why not teach them the difference when they begin to be curious about those things? My dogs will occasionally eat what I do. They'll be rewarded for not begging & fed a treat either outside or near the back door...not where I eat. See how that works? Yikes people...

My Many Obsessions

Today we'll talk about all of my unhealthy obsessions!

    I'm super obsessed with new socks. Not plain ones though, never plain ones. The Spidey ones are my current favorite with Cinderella coming in at a close second. Beyond that I wear mostly knee-high socks. You will never see me without socks on either, because as much as I love socks, I equally hate feet. The damn things weird me out. Pretty sure they have something to do with aliens, funny looking damn things. Uck. Always socks & usually Chucks.

     Which brings me to obsession #2, unless you count the negative obsession with feet, but I don't. Because they're stupid and they don't deserve a number. Number TWO, that's right, two, is Converse. Yeah, the ones people played basketball in around the 50s, the ones that are super popular in all my 80s movies which I dearly love. I wear high tops with everything. Shorts included. Graduation day, I wore a pretty dress under my robe & guess what?! Yep! Chuck Taylors. My old worn out ones, featured in the photo above. Every school dance, (even one Prom), every skirt, dress, shorts, outfit, CHUCKS. If I could marry shoes...well I still wouldn't because they have too close of a relationship with feet, but dammit it would be a hard decision!

   Numero Tree. Red Bull. I firmly believe that it does, in fact, give you wings. I'm not sure how many I will have to drink first, but it will happen. Like a "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop" kind of thing. If all else fails I'll bite the damn tootsie pop and by that I mean I will drink a Red Bull while skydiving or doing a drunken flip or something but dammit I will fly and it will be attributed to Red Bull. Plus, it's delicious and it makes my heart rate faster. Who needs to do cardio when you could have an energy drink-induced heart attack?! That's right, not me!

     Four: Super Heroes. I am supereffinginlovewithsuperheroes. Spidey socks. Spidey backpack which is my purse due to pure awesomeness and lack of femininity . Batman tramp stamp on my car. I went to see the Batmobile on tour and the Tumbler. Which freaking blew my mind! My heart and thoughts went out to those who were affected by the shooting in the theatre this year bbuuuttt I still saw Batman in theatres. Because I would have died happy at that moment. I will one day marry Batman but I plan to have Captain America's babies so...I guess they'll have to work that one out somehow.

...To be continued...

Star Wars?! I think yes!!

Before I tell on myself I feel I should remind you this is a judge-free zone..and here it goes...

     I have somehow made it through twenty years of life without watching a single Star Trek or Star Wars movie. As well as Godfather, Part 1-35; or however the hell many there are, Rocky movies, or the Lord of The Rings. I also haven't watched the Twilight movies but that's because of personal preference and my lack of enjoying shitty movies/books.
Anyway! Today I watched Star Wars episode 1 aannnddd I am blown away!! At first I was weirded out, to be honest, but after about twenty minutes I was already planning out my super badass life as a Jedi when I grow up! Which I know won't actually happen, I'm not a crazy person, I credit it to the fact that I refuse to grow up. I would much rather use Jedi mind tricks to persuade people than using the "I'm a girl" card & running my jayjay in front of their face instead of my hand. Same end effect, I get what I want, but so much more badass!
     So this brings me to question everyone in life right now. Why did nobody tell me how freaking cool these movies are? Is it because they don't like me and didn't want to let me in on the awesomeness? Is it because they thought I was too lame to handle it the wicked coolness that is the Jedi?! It looks to me like I need to have a long talk with everyone I know. Tomorrow though, because I have two more movies to watch this evening. I might even watch them all twice, because I know for a fact I did not pay close enough attention the first time. It's like reading a good book, only I didn't even have to read & I'm stoked for more. In conclusion...I will now spend the next 6-8 hours making up for my lost time with Star Wars.