Nerves.

Oh life, you sure do think you're funny, don't you?! Well I don't. I find you to be kind of a hateful bitch about 87% of the time. Why can't we just be friends? I'm a good friend, I promise. You just have to be nicer to me!
     I'm fixin' to go take a drug screen for a new, better-paying job (yippee!) and I'm nervous. Not because I think I won't pass. I don't do drugs so that's not a problem. But because of my last drug screen experience.
   I thought it would be a quick five minutes tops, go in take a whiz, be done kind of thing so I carpooled with some others who were running errands in Tulsa as well. We went to the clinic place first since it was South and everything else was North. Ya know how whenever you go to do one of those things you always drink a bottle of water on the way so you'll be good and ready to go when you get there? Yeah, I got distracted and forgot to do that. We got there and I didn't have to go, even a little bit. I peed before we left the house because I'm a giant dummy. So I chugged a Coca Cola. Worst soda ever. Gross. Instant tummy ache. I go in & try but still can't whiz. Drink some water, wait a while & try again. This time I did it! It was all full & I was all empty and it was a magical drug screen pee moment wheeennn guess what...I caught the jar on my shorts pulling it out from under me & spilled about half of it. I was empty. There was NO more about to come out... I then had to explain this to the people testing this sample... and the people I had carpooled with... I sent them on their way to come back for me later actually. I was so embarrassed. I drank enough water to keep a camel hydrated for a freakin' summer & stepped back into this bathroom I now considered hell and guess what! I fucking did it AGAIN! I spilled the whole damn cup! All of it! The cup literally flew out of my hand. I even got pee on my shorts. Sooooo about an hour later I tried again and didn't fuck it up this time. I actually got a high five from one of the guys who worked there. "Third time's a charm!" he said. Then I walked to a gas station half a mile away with my pee-shorts and I lost my sunglasses.
    Today has to go better than that.